Just One Step

So, recently my friend Mary told me that she was starting a challenge at work.

This wasn't for weight loss but geared more toward exercise.

We talked about how we all go in and out of phases of going full steam on exercise and then life happens and you fall out of the habit and then feel like you're working your way up hill to get back on track.

Today this post is dedicated to Mary and any and all of us who've ever struggled with getting back on track.

This, to the best of my recollection, is what I remember about part of my own journey through exercise.

This began the summer right after I graduated high school.


Just One Step

The annoying buzz of the alarm jolts me into consciousness.  "Oh, my gosh it's so dang early!" I whine in my head.

I don't want to get up.  This is so hard.  The bed is so warm...

As I sit up I flinch as my feet hit the cold floor.  I plod bleary-eyed to the bathroom and start getting ready.

What exactly was I thinking yesterday when I decided to do this?  I must be crazy.

Then I remember why.  I'm tired of feeling tired.  I'm tired of being out of shape and overweight.

I just want to feel better.  I want to take better care of my body.  I want to wear something other than my "uniform" of ambiguous, androgynous, tent like attire.  I want to feel strong and sexy.
I've never really felt that way about myself but I long to know what it's like.

I know it seems silly but I want to run, or at least at some point I want to run.  It's a secret I haven't told anyone.
I want to be runner girl.  It seems like a far off fantasy right now though.

By 6:00 am my feet are hitting the pavement.  I've heard so many people talking about all the marathons and half marathons that they're doing and how much they love running.  Pft!

I can barely walk at a brisk pace let alone run.  My asthma is kickin' right now but with the inhaler it's definitely manageable.  At least I'm here so I keep going.

And Day 1 is done.  I'm exhausted but I feel good about myself, feel good that I actually did something.

Day 14

I lay my workout clothes and sneakers out at night before I go to bed.  I'm completely on automatic pilot in the morning these days.  I get up and go through the motions of getting dressed and somehow I find myself at the lake ready to exercise.
It seems like I can walk a little farther than I used to.  Maybe it's not too bad.  I still can't run but at least I'm walking.

Can't believe I'm saying it but I've really come to enjoy this time to myself.  It's so peaceful outside and the water is just heaven to look upon.  When the sun touches it it's all gemstones and joy for me.

At the end of the trek I always stop to sit by the water and catch my breath.

It's just so beautiful...

Somehow no matter what happens today I think it'll be okay because I got to carve out this little niche of time.  This is how I stop and smell the roses.

Day 30

This walking thing?  I got it covered now.  I mean, I own it.  Even though I'm a little nervous I think I might try to run today.  I'm just going to see what I can do...

Oh, holy cow!  This is so freaking hard!  Sweat is pouring off my body and I seem to have moved into some type of Lamaze breathing pattern.  Anyone who sees me is likely contemplating whether or not they actually remember how to do CPR because I look like I need it.

One hundred feet, I think I just slowly jogged like 100 ft.  That's not much but it's something.
I'm going to keep working on this.  Nobody knows I'm doing this.  This is just for me.  I'm not sharing it with anyone.

The other day I was talking to a trainer.  I actually shared with her that I felt really embarrassed about going out and trying to run.  "Why?" she said.  "Because, what will people think when they see me out trying to run? Like won't they be thinking "what's the fat girl doing trying to run?"" I said.  "Carrie, why wouldn't they be thinking "Wow, good for her.  She's trying to lose weight and get in shape".

So here I am, puffing like mad, ready to drop.  First attempt at running was hard but I did it.  It's done.

Month 2

I've steadily moved into a pattern of alternating running and walking.  It's still really hard but it's getting slowly easier, okay, not easier but doable.

If I'm being honest I'm getting a little more than excited just thinking about doing this.
While I'm running I'm completely lost in my fantasy.  I'm picturing myself thin and fit, running effortlessly and looking like a dream while I do it.
When nobody is around it's easier, just to pretend...

Month 6

I run now.

That's just what I do and who I am.

I don't advertise it.  I don't want to dilute this experience by spreading it around too much.  It's mine and it's precious to me.

I'm up to jogging 3 miles a day.  They're 10 minute miles but I don't really care about running fast.  I'm not interested in racing with anybody.  This is all just for me.

When I start running it's cool outside.  I can see my breath hanging in the air.
I hear my feet hitting the pavement.  My breath sounds loud and somewhat labored at first but then I purposely move into an intentional breathing pattern.  I've found I can go longer and endure more if I do this.  It sounds awkward to listen to but it works for me.

Slowly, I start warming up.  As I move down the path I can no longer hear my feet hitting the pavement.  All the noise is starting to fade away.

I can hear my breath and my heart beat and it's like a slow, steady rhythm that soothes my soul.
Eventually there isn't any sound at all.  Somehow I'm aware that my feet are moving but I feel like the ghost in the machine.  Like my Spirit is moving my body but I can't feel any of it.

I'm completely lost in my head.  I feel euphoric as I look around at the water, the birds, the small fishing boats that are already out this morning.

And I finally realize something profound.

I AM my fantasy.

I AM that runner girl.

And it feels fan-freaking-tastic!

And, I know that the same girl that brought me here was the one who had never run, who was afraid and ashamed and unsure.  She was the only one who could do this.  And I feel so much appreciation for her right now.

Running is now my joy, my oxygen.  I can't breath without it.  Somehow I feel as though this is the moment of Grace I give myself each day.  I get really cranky when I don't get this opportunity.
Because, every time I run I feel fully alive, completely conscious in this moment in time.

And the best part?

It all began with

JUST

ONE

STEP