"Is she crazy? She's going there? She's really going to talk about religion and politics?"
The short answer is yes but stick with me here.
As Thanksgiving draws near I've been thinking of and hearing about a lot of drama.
I think everyone has some degree of drama in their family or among their friends.
I will admit to some animosity between myself and some of the people in my own family.
The added kicker this holiday season is that it was also an election year and we have a new President Elect.
For as long as I can remember my own family have been divided when it comes to both religion and politics.
Thus as I grew up those were definitely two subjects I avoided.
I have seen arguments that lead to broken relationships and people not speaking to each other for years, sometimes forever.
That just breaks my heart because I can't imagine, on any level, choosing never to speak to someone I love because of something like that.
I understand it intellectually but in my heart it's a resounding no.
The thing is that it doesn't matter if it's politics or religion or whose responsible for what and whom there will always be a differing opinion
And how many different opinions will there be?
The same number as the number of individuals who witness or participate in any event.
We human beings are, by nature, diverse.
I believe God made us that way on purpose.
We are diverse in skin color, language, spiritual and political beliefs, gender, size, shape and on and on.
What I've come to really appreciate is that life itself thrives under diversity and stagnates and dies in the face of a more monochromatic life.
We weren't meant to all look the same and act the same and believe the same things.
Growing up I remember my brother and I being like most siblings, we fought like cats and dogs.
After my brother moved out we got along but it's often the case that we have differing opinions.
Here's the thing- as an adult who works very hard to be responsible for herself and what she puts out into the world I know that if my brother were not my blooded family he would still be my friend. He would be in my peer group.
Do you wanna know why?
Because he doesn't always agree with everything I say.
It may sound crazy but I have gotten to the point where I can clearly see that often my focus is narrow and being around people with opposing opinions is an environment where I can learn and grow.
It doesn't always mean I will agree with his way of thinking but it will increase my understanding of where he is at if I can at least listen.
Now I fully understand that in some cases it's not about mild disagreement. It may be a case of one person really hurting another with their words or deeds.
Certainly I believe in healthy boundaries and getting away and staying safe if there is any real threat to your safety.
But if safety isn't an issue what I would go back to is forgiveness.
You know the old saying "forgive and forget"? I don't buy it. Well, I don't buy that we can just forget, that we're never going to remember how someone hurt us.
But I think forgiveness is a choice. You're saying I acknowledge that this happened. It was not okay but I'm choosing to move forward. I'm choosing love. I'm choosing not to stay stuck in anger and resentment.
Now I don't think you just automatically shift into this. I think first we experience all the normal human emotions- shock, fear, anger, sadness etc.
I also think you just have to allow that. I think when you resist every bad feeling you just stay stuck.
I think if you need help you ask for it. It may be help from friends, family, a therapist or doctor but you ask for and accept help.
But once you're past those dark feelings you try moving forward, not just for someone else, but for yourself.
I also think that just like dieting or any other lifestyle goals we set for ourselves, we may move back and forth on this. We may find ourselves in a place like we've outgrown the pain and anger and laid it down and done the work and the next day it feels like we're back at square one.
So, you forgive yourself and the situation. With each new day you get up and you try again. You keep trying to do the right thing in life.
I've heard the quote that says something like "staying in unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die".
And when you can't find it in yourself to put down your burden I think you pray.
I like what my minister said on this- "Can you at least want to forgive? Can you want to want to forgive?".
Sometimes it's the latter.
So here's the thing, many of us are feeling anxious about getting together with our family and friends in light of the election and probably also because of lingering family resentments and arguments.
I say that just like planning for the food that will be there we need to plan for all of that unpleasant "stuff".
So, what's your plan?
I have actually been pre-planning for this. I've talked to some of my family ahead of time who I know are sensitive or reactive and I've asked "Can we make a plan? If things get tense or heated can we just walk away? How about maybe I provide a distraction or we go for a spontaneous walk?".
Ultimately, I know that I have the capacity to love people whom I don't agree with.
I also know there can be love even when there is discontent.
In fact, I just remind myself of what I say to my own son when he is acting out and having a fit~
"No one can tell you how to feel. All your feelings are valid and I love you no matter how you feel".
But if it's something that I don't want to be a part of I simply add "But I will not participate in this with you. I would love to spend time with you when you're done expressing this".
Can we get to a point where we are all allowed to express our opinions and know that even if we don't agree we're all still okay on some level? That it doesn't diminish either of us? Can we agree to disagree? Again, this doesn't apply when there is a real safety issue involved but you get the idea.
When my son was very small I thought long and hard about how to explain something as abstract as God. Finally this is what I did-
I held him in my arms and just loved on him. I cuddled him and kissed him and hugged him for a few minutes. Afterward I asked him "Did you feel my love?"
"Yes" he said. "But how do you know there was love? You can't taste, see, smell, touch, or hear love. I mean if a stranger was to do the same thing would it be the same?"
"No Mommy" he said.
"Exactly. The reason you know it's different is that you can feel it. You can feel God and that's more real to me than anything my five senses will ever be able to convey".
And nowadays I also tell my son that God, for me, is a lot like gravity. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in gravity. It still holds your feet to this Earth. Likewise it doesn't matter if someone doesn't believe in God because God still works too.
So, I guess this holiday season I pray for myself and all of us.
I pray when there is a choice, we choose love.
I pray that we choose to learn from our differences, set healthy boundaries, love ourselves, our God and each other as best we can.
And if we miss the mark, know it's never too late to start over again.
I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite people, Mother Teresa.
“I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.”
― Mother Teresa
I wish you all a very Happy, Safe and Low Stress Thanksgiving!
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