My Life In Pictures

You know this whole losing and gaining weight thing, it's so surreal to me.

When my body changes, whether it's getting bigger or smaller or looking older it's like my mind just takes forever to catch up.

When I initially lost weight it took months longer to register even the most remote change because in my mind I was still that "heavy girl".

Oddly enough I remember the reverse being true too.

Years ago when I truly was unhealthily thin I remember people constantly cajoling me to eat.

As I finally started to eat more and gain I couldn't really see it creeping back on.

At first it probably looked better on me but at some point it was out of control and I still couldn't see it.

It's funny how the same people who were telling me to eat were then making not so subtle and subversive remarks about my size and "do you really need that second portion?".

I guess it's no surprise that pictures have always been a challenge for me and, from listening to a lot of my friends and fellow WW members, it doesn't seem I'm the only one.

You know sometimes I feel like the media bombards us with "before and after" stories, programs like Biggest Loser among so many others, that depict "a great overcoming".

They profess to help us, the poor, confused obese of the world, to make a change and be better, to leave our fat selves behind and step into a new, thin body and a new life.

I think on some level this message keeps us fat.

I won't speak for anyone else.  I can only tell you how I feel.

And what I feel is that deep down there's a place in me that knows that the message they're selling is that you're not good enough if you're fat and you're not good enough if you're overweight, that you're unlovable.

I'm not saying we shouldn't lose weight or that there's anything wrong with displaying our thin pics or feeling attractive but I am saying that we have to remember to keep our heart and our head in the right place.

I think we, as a society need to do some very serious cognitive re-framing here.

I think before you can make a meaningful change you really do have to love yourself right where you are and not only right where you are but even where you've been.

I know for myself that the times in my life when I've been heavy I avoided having my picture taken at all costs but when I was thin it was okay.

And, when I lost weight I tended to hide the old "When I was fat" pictures.

I read once that there are basically two kinds of pain- one is the pain of transformation(of the mind, body and Spirit) and one is the pain you feel when you resist transformation.

I think on some level if you overcome your larger physical self and vilify her and hate her and see her as unworthy it's a sign that change didn't take place where it counts- in your heart.

I think that is egoic based change that's very visible on the outside but does not really co-exist with a real soulful change.

For me, in my own heart, I believe that this transformation is the type of change that God is calling us to.

It's a story so beautiful and so expansive that the lines of a physical body could never begin to capture it's entirety or it's meaning.

But how do we move forward?

As silly as it sounds I've used what psychologists would call exposure therapy on myself.

Little by little I've forced myself to look at all the uncomfortable pictures that I hide from and little by little it has gotten easier.

I would love to tell you it's always easy now but that's not true.  There are times when I still feel so vulnerable and unlovable and it's at those times that it's hard to see anything good in that girl.

But when my heart and my mind are open I think I have perhaps some very small inkling of how God sees me, as something He made on purpose, something beautiful, someone worthy of love at every size and at every age.

I guess what I hope for is to someday hear and see more stories of true victory and self love.

Those are the stories I want to hear and those are the people I want to know.

And that could be a story any and all of us tell.

Blessings,

Carrie