Pain & What Lies Beneath...

I've been ruminating a little lately on pain.

I know, I know, you're probably thinking I'm crazy for going there.

This probably won't win me any popularity contests or awards.

But, it's real and it's honest.

In truth, although this is mostly me blogging about encouragement, inspiration, losing weight and all things WW, it's also just a bit of me.

I try to put little pieces of me in this, tucked away here and there.

Sometimes I think that someday my son may want to read some of my more personal entries to know me better in a different way, to know me as a person and not just his mother.

So I guess in a way this is part of the legacy I leave to him.

That brings me to today's subject~

PAIN

It's scary huh?

It's always scared me.

I'm not just talking about physical pain, although I'm admittedly the world's biggest wimp, I'm talking about emotional pain.

In some ways that's worse to me.

Funny how I feel less exhausted after a long run than I do after living through an emotional event.

So I've chosen to start seeing a counselor.

When I first went she asked me what my goals were for our sessions and I told her~

To have her prepare and assist me in more effectively parenting my son through puberty and the teenage years that are yet to come and...

To become a more self-actualized person.

No small order and probably not her typical reasons for being there but no less important to me.

Also at our first visit she told me she wanted to give me a little information about her which included the fact that, although she did all types of therapy, her emphasis was on psychoanalysis.

I admittedly cringed because I haven't had a great experience with psychoanalysis and I was really just looking for CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy).

I wanted something more positive and just full-steam-ahead the whole thing but I decided I needed to be open minded and give her and it a try.

But, I stewed on it a bit and I researched it too.

What I came to realize and appreciate more fully is that, while positive psychology is a really great thing and certainly has its place, it's not going to tell the whole story.

Because part of the whole story is that we're human and part of the human experience is pain.

As I sat and thought on this I realized that my modus operandi is to always run from pain, always.

I thought about how I parent, the fact that I'm a helicopter mom(meaning I have a tendency to hover) and how I want to move away from that to more fully allow my son to have his experience and learn and grow.

I realized that I find my son's discomfort agonizingly painful.

This could be physical or emotional pain but if he is in pain I am too.

The other day my son was upset about something that seemed rather silly to me but as he sat in my lap and cried I just held him and hugged him without saying a word.

And I just sat with him in his pain without trying to fix it and it was really hard.

Later that day, long after the upset was over, I told my son that I had very intentionally sat with him in his pain as a way of loving and respecting him and his process as well as a growth and learning process for myself.

And what I know is that I don't need to fix him because he's not broken.

God never makes mistakes and so I believe we were given our ego, our feelings and this experience on purpose.

And you know what?

He appreciated it.  We talked about feelings and that they're all important.

If God doesn't make mistakes(and I don't believe He does) then it's no mistake that we feel what we feel.

This is part of the human experience and what I told my counselor is that I now realize that pain can be instructional when we're present to it.  

It doesn't mean I'm going to wallow in it or that I'm looking for it or welcoming it into my life but it means that for the first time in my life I'm choosing not to run.

Now, granted there are situations so big and so painful that sometimes you just do whatever you have to do to get through each day and in those situations I think you see a counselor and go to the doctor and, if you have to distract yourself and run from it at first, you do it.

But I think that there are lessons beneath the pain that can ultimately move us forward if we're present for it.

I think things happen for a reason and when our default is to run we miss it.

I think even when we're in that dark place feeling helpless there is still power to be found by just being present to it and loving and respecting ourselves and the process enough to be open.

I think that's the prayer~ help me to see what I haven't seen before.  Help me to understand what I haven't understood.  Let me feel what is mine to feel and do what is mine to do.

The really funny thing is that just the thought of being present for the pain is scary to me.

But I'm curious.

And my heart and soul are telling me that there's more, much more to this life than what I've seen and experienced before.

So I'll keep praying and trying to honor myself, this life and the process.

And I'll take it one day at a time.

And you know what?

I think when we allow this our pleasures becomes even sweeter.

I think we savor all the good stuff even more and that is something to really look forward to and to really be thankful for.